Finding love may seem antithetical to navigating the ins and outs of a fast-paced, flakey, and often financially driven art world. But some of us like a challenge, and the industry's romantic inhospitality may be the very thing that makes dating within it so hard to resist. Some art-world couples have withstood the test of time (Carroll and Laurie, anyone?); others have spiked many an art publication's web traffic with their trials and tribulations. But we're not here to judge—after all, there's nothing like a good rumor, an awkward opening run-in, or a meet-cute on the fair floor.
To find out how the art world dates, CULTURED asked dozens of its denizens for the romantic rules they live by—from blanking your partner at their opening to the rationale for sleeping with their gallerist.
Alissa Bennett, writer and director at Gladstone
If you like attention and love gossip (especially when it is about you), then you should go out with a really famous artist. Friends, enemies, and strangers alike will count the days until your relationship goes up in flames, and you will come out the other side with a couple of trinkets, a battered sense of self, and 100 new jokes!
Call me old fashioned, but I think a heterosexual man (especially in the art world) should either be divorced or have at least one child by 40. Avoid those who don't, because something is maybe (but really almost always) wrong!
Don't go out with anyone who is much dumber than you are, no matter how hot or rich they are.
Ana Sokoloff, art advisor
Fair restaurant lunches count as dates. Enjoy them!
"Understand" curatorial statements.
Hadi Falapishi, artist
Don't go to the studio on Valentine's Day.
If your date pulls out their phone to take a picture of you, you should pull out your notebook to make a drawing of them.
Avoid dates that like your art more than they like you.
Benjamin Godsill, art advisor
Never ever date in the art world. If it ends poorly you are going to end up running into your ex at openings, dinners, airport lounges, Swiss train stations, and the like for the rest of your days. Do you really want to have to air-kiss and make small talk with someone who did you dirty for the next 20-plus years?
Only date in the art world. Who else is going to understand why you need to take a call from “an important client” at 7 p.m. on Christmas Eve; why you need to fly halfway across the world for a week to have lavish dinners with the same people you see all the time in London, New York, and Hong Kong; and why the painting you purchased for $20,000 from “the next big thing” is still on your wall 10 years later and worth less than the price of your Chinese takeaway order?
Sarah Hoover, cultural critic and consultant
At your partner’s art opening, pretend you don’t know him, get drunk with your friends, and wear something that shows your boobs—or whatever your version of that is. His opening is work for him, and what would be more annoying than having someone show up at your workand try to do it with you? (That being said, he needs to stay hydrated and will probably forget, so you should bring over water every now and then.)
Quori Theodor, artist
Love is itself a creative act. Fucking your collaborators is one thing, sure, but extending that curiosity is essential to keeping an art practice alive. It makes the experience of dating more integrated—and much more interesting.
Just because arts funding dried up in the ’90s doesn’t mean we need to buy into the delusion of scarcity. Opting out of “not enough” is essential to finding play and connection.
Trust people that prove themselves to be trustworthy. With arms dealers left and right around this vocation, building trust is something that can be done together, over time.
Jerry Saltz, critic
I would ask in a straight relationship that women understand one thing: Men often have fuck-nothing on their minds. We like to sit on the couch thinking about sex, our work, or abstract things like “I wonder if there will ever be time travel,” and we spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about traffic. Allow for this.
A man should be on time. A woman should be granted at least 20-minutes grace time. If she arrives 20 minutes late, that is her on-time. Society requires women to go through a lot more in order to leave their house. Respect this. A woman is also under almost instant threat as soon as she leaves her home; you must be aware of and allow for all of these things. Anyway, as my wife Roberta often tells me, “Who said anything about being fair in relationships.” She’s right.
I also believe that the man should say “yes” upward of 90 percent of the time. Men are simple, stupid, or quite limited. Women are very complex and have a lot on their minds at all times. And a man should never say “yes” in a snippy or snide or cynical way. It should be a clear “yes.” That’s it. No resentment, guilt-tripping, or playing the victim.
Casey Fremont, executive director of the Art Production Fund
A broad warning that the art world is very small. Trust me—your dating past and poor decisions will haunt you at every art fair you attend, so choose wisely! With that said, do have a frivolous make out session on the beach with an artist if the opportunity presents itself. It will be a good story for years to come.
Ebony L. Haynes, senior director of 52 Walker
If you work in the art world, embrace dating outside of the art world.
Oscar Yi Hou, artist
Straights consumate after the opening. Gays fuck beforehand. Lesbians do a secret third thing (backgammon).
Unless you crave psychosis, painters should NEVER date poets.
Jacksun Bein, artist, writer, and gallery assistant
Have sex with your partner’s gallerist. It would be “unprofessional” for them to, so it’s your responsibility. Then, pillow-talk about the gallerist’s genitals.
Anyone who can get you into the Guggenheim for free is a keeper, anyone who can get you into the Met for free is everywhere, and anyone who can get you into the Whitney for free is a liar.
Date someone whose work you care about—you don’t need to love it, you don’t even need to like it, but you do need to care about it.
Sarah Thornton, sociologist and author, most recently of Tits Up: What Sex Workers, Milk Bankers, Plastic Surgeons, Bra Designers, and Witches Tell Us about Breasts
Make sure to have a hotel room near the fair.
Live in separate cities for at least two years.
Charlie Freiberg, publicist
Imagine with your mind’s eye a place where no one has downloaded See Saw. Why do you want your pillow talk to feel like insider trading? Watch Industry and call it an evening, Jesus.
If you are going to shit where you eat, at least choose a man on the other coast (hi Annie) for the change of scenery. Or a man who’s fled New York for Connecticut, and a home made pornographically beautiful via Chairish, like my darling ex.
Dominique Clayton, writer and curator
If you decide to date or marry an artist, understand that you are marrying them, their art, their process, and their neuroses. Real artists never stop working or brooding over their own art, so if you require deep attention and dedicated time, know that it doesn't come often and not without a little struggle or sacrifice, so cherish those moments and give each other grace!
There are only three types of art couples: those who hate each other but look good in pictures, those who love each other and hide from the public, and those who do whatever they want, whenever they want, without any regard for what anyone thinks. Decide early on which you want to be and make sure your partner is on board, or else one of you will always be pissed off.
Essence Harden, curator and writer
Museums are great dates for curators. However, be prepared for a 10-hour marathon of cross-town visits where the details of every exhibition—tombstones, layout, research, installation, and, of course, the art—are deeply contemplated. It’s fun! But your body will ache afterward.
So you've met an artist, they're cute, you vibe, but their work is… not great. That's okay though, you can still date. You’ll only have to attend openings, hear about studio visits, their practice, their dreams and anxieties, and be surrounded by their work in the studio and house. I’m kidding, don’t do that. Save yourself, save them: If the work doesn't hit, you can't do it.
Lee Mary Manning, artist
Develop a silent code for when to be saved or when to exit the opening.
Always buy two tickets to an event (a film, a dance, a talk) and then dazzle your partner by saying “I already got us tickets.”
Jennifer Rochlin, artist
Painters: Steer clear of them because they are already in a relationship with their paintings. Sculptors: excellent at assembling IKEA furniture. Video artists: Grab ’em if you can find them but be prepared to be in their work for life. Fiber artists: good for winter. Art handlers: good with their hands. ;)
Kendra Walker, art advisor and writer
If you're dating a high-profile artist or public figure, my advice is to appreciate the intimacy and uniqueness of keeping your relationship private until it reaches a certain level of seriousness.
Laura Raicovich, writer, curator, co-owner of Francis Kite Club, and former president and executive director of the Queens Museum.
Don’t expect the bubbly person you met at an opening to actually like going to openings, parties, or anything social. They are just as likely to be an introvert who would rather be at home.
Asking for a studio visit as a way to get a date is always a terrible idea.
The Art Daddy, of the @theartdaddy_ Instagram account and Substack
Art critics should never date artists. Clement Greenberg did it, and we are still bearing the brunt of his sexism four decades later. You don’t need your artwork and sex life critiqued by the same person.
In an industry that runs on nepotism, trying to get ahead by being a strategic art-world dater doesn't make you bad—it makes you smart. It worked for Barbara Castelli.
The art world is filled with a lot of kinky people—that’s why you always need to lead with your level of freak. Someone will match yours when you least expect it.
Martine Gutierrez, artist
If you're not a fan of each other's work, it's not gonna work out.
Fall in love with an artist, and live forever––that's what people say who want to be immortalized, but there's a lot of bad art no one should have to be in forever.
Kahlil Robert Irving, artist
When presenting yourself, always dream big. There has to be a balance of going on dates you know are foolproof to really figure out if you vibe with someone and dates to be vulnerable and let go. I enjoy getting to meet new people so dating is great, but it can be exhausting so making it fun helps release so much pressure. Go-kart racing has been a new fun exploration.
Domenick Ammirati, writer and editor
Despite our field’s global pretensions, do not date long-distance or else your soon-to-be-ex will start sleeping with some Mass Art grad living in Allston whose “project” is dressing in handmade monochrome outfits.
Lively up yourself. No one wants to fuck a corpse, except those people who love to keep saying art is dead.
Critics are lame and not hot: Do not date them. Editors also.
Having in mind a point, a purpose, guardrails, action items, bottom lines, ROIs while on a date will doom you to a lifetime of boredom and discontent. Try to have fun. If you don’t like fun, that’s okay. Eventually you’ll run across a soul as miserly as your own. Truly there’s someone for everybody—even gallerists!
Emma Kohlmann, artist
If you want to flirt with C-list celebrities, go to Art Basel Miami Beach.
Studio time is sacred.
Make sure the person you’re dating has the same amount of ambition as you, but not too much or you’ll never see each other.
Don't be someone else’s muse.
Erin Leland, actor and writer
Let’s not split the check. Either you’ll pay or I’ll pay, but don’t Venmo half––we aren’t at a utilities bill yet.
Despite the .15 cent fare increase to the MTA, I still think the New York transit system is rife with blustery sensual intrigue, from the roof of the Seastreak exposed to all of its sun-dappled nautical forces to the regional commuter lines. Although I’m one of those ferry New Yorkers, I found romance on an above-ground platform in South Brooklyn underneath the fluorescent lights of the G.
Jonathan Carver Moore, gallerist
We all like an artsy outfit, but you don’t always have to come dressed like art on view. Dress like yourself—that will grab someone’s attention.
Flowers are always such a nice gift to bring to an opening for the artist, but they can be cumbersome. Too often I have seen artists trying to figure out where to put them during the reception when everyone is wanting to talk to them and then they have to carry the flowers around following the opening reception to a dinner. Maybe send flowers to the artist the day after?
Massimiliano Gioni, curator and Edlis Neeson Artistic Director at the New Museum
Very early on in my career I decided not to date artists, and it’s one principle I truly stuck to. I could say it was to avoid conflicts of interest or head and heart aches, but another way to put it is that, like a shrink or doctor, I would never like to bring my patients home. I thought it would be healthier not to date within my own field, but then I met Cecilia [Alemani, director and chief curator of High Line Art] and the overlap actually turned out to be pretty special. Not sure if it makes for a better work-life balance, but so far so (very) good.
Daniel Oglander, art advisor
Do not go to a studio visit or buy a work of art expecting a date to come from it... You should be attracted to the art, not the artist.
